On my lunch break at work on Monday, I read Dorian Speed’s latest blog post, “Rewarding Behaviors vs. Rewarding Outcomes.” I encourage you to read it for yourself, so I’ll spare you a summary, and just get to my point.
In her post, Dorian writes, “I’m pretty amazing in my ability to delude myself about my habits.”
This line comes under the heading, “An Unreliable Narrator of My Own Life.” I did a double take at this headline, both because it resonated with me and because I love the language she used to articulate this problem.
Why I relate to the language
As a young girl, I imagined my life was a book and everyone around me were supporting characters. I would even go as far as to internally narrate my own actions – walking into school, tagging along with Mom at the grocery store – I did this everywhere. (I was pretty tickeled when Stranger Than Fiction was released, though I was less than impressed by the movie. Parts of the concept really hit home for me.)
Perhaps viewing the world in this way was a coping mechanism I picked up to disassociate myself from whatever was happening in my environment. That sounds like it could be a thing, right? I became the observer, rather than a part of the action. As an adult, I see how narcissistic this practice is, to imagine myself center stage in a story involving the whole world.
Today, I still see the world in stories, but now I recognize I play a very small part.
I, too, am good at deluding myself.
Back in college when I was 40 pounds heavier, I had myself convinced I was healthy, nevermind the excessive drinking and late night trips to Taco Bell. I saw myself as someone who cared about her body. Because I showed up to the gym on a regular basis and worked pretty hard, it was easy to sell myself this lie.
Then I got the news from the doctor I had high blood pressure and that losing weight would probably make it go away. To say I was shocked would be an understatement, but I’m pretty sure everyone around me saw it coming. You can’t eat junk and have a few too many beverages each night for years at a time and expect to avoid the associated consequences. This news from the doctor provided a much needed adjustment to my perspective and lifestyle.
It’s not just about food.
I can sell myself just about anything I really want to believe. Then I seek sources I know will back me up and reinforce whatever I’ve already decided.
Me: “Mom, I’m thinking about buying this cute new dress for so and so’s wedding.”
Mom: “Oh you definitely should. It is so cute!”
When I go shopping with my Aunt, I always try to ask her before we go into any stores, “Should I be talking you into or out of purchases today?” This way I know whether or not I’m helping her delude herself into thinking its a good idea when its not, and vice versa.
Even in my professional life, I used to get really freaked out every time I submitted anything written for review and didn’t hear back immediately. I was certain it was because the reviewer hated whatever I wrote and was taking his or her time to formulate a delicate response saying as much. I would come pretty close to having panic attacks and start thinking I was going to get fired for being a terrible writer. I’ve thankfully moved past this.
Consider the source.
To some degree, I think we all seek sources who will affirm our decisions or agree with our points of view. However, when I’m trying to make an important decision, I like to get feedback from people who aren’t going to sugarcoat anything.
As my inner voice starts to sell me something, I consider at least for a moment, this sales pitch could be coming from an internal or external influence. It could be the reasonable, faithful side of my personality, or the sometimes insecure and impulsive one I have to keep an eye on. It could be promptings from the Holy Spirit or it could be a temptation from you know who.
So I’d love to hear from you – are you a reliable narrator of your own story?