Hopeful grandparents of couples trying to conceive are often overlooked when it comes to infertility pain and grief. They suffer silently in the background, selflessly prioritizing the needs of their children before their own. I interviewed our Moms (my Mom and Mother-in-law) to learn more about how our infertility has impacted them so far.
They graciously shared words of wisdom that can benefit couples going through infertility and their parents journeying alongside them.
What has been the hardest part about our infertility journey for you?
My Mom said, “…knowing there is nothing I can do, I feel helpless” and my MIL noted, “It breaks my heart and I wish I could fix it for you.”
When we call after a doctor’s appointment that went poorly or another failed pregnancy test, they feel our pain acutely. Their hopes rise and fall with ours. In some ways, I suspect their pain is more challenging to cope with than ours because watching someone you love suffer can be harder than suffering yourself.
It is their instinct as parents to protect us and to help us solve our problems, but this is not usually a situation in which that is possible.
Were your friends and family (especially those with grandkids) sensitive to how our infertility impacted you?
Both agreed this was a challenge. People were not especially sensitive to their pain, not out of meanness, but largely because many were unaware of the situation. For several years, my husband and I kept our infertility private, only sharing it with our close family and friends. Respecting our wishes, they couldn’t share what we were going through, and as a result, what they were going through.
They respected this boundary, which I’m grateful for, but it did make them feel isolated. They listened to stories of other people’s grandkids, pregnancy announcements from their friends’ kids, and were even excluded from certain activities or events because they weren’t grandparents yet.
When they did get our permission to share, it helped a lot, but there is still an unintentional lack of sensitivity.
Before hearing this during these interviews, I never connected the dots between us asking them to keep it private and them being forced to go through this without the support of their family and friends. If I had to do our infertility journey over, I would give our parents permission to share with a close friend who would be discrete.
As much as we need support to cope, they do too! They had hopes and dreams for us and their future grandkids, and grieving and letting go of those expectations can be hard to do alone.
If you could give advice to couples going through infertility, in terms of how to interact with their parents about it, what would you say?
Share as much as you’re comfortable sharing. It’s appropriate to set boundaries as a couple and share only what you’re comfortable sharing, so don’t feel bad about doing that. But your parents want to know everything, so they can support you as much as possible. Both really emphasized this!!!! They want regular updates with any details you’re willing to share, but are sometimes hesitant to ask because they don’t want to unintentionally cause you pain.
“It’s a very personal thing, but it does affect everyone. It helps the [hopeful] grandparents to know what is going on.”
– my Mom
It depends on your relationship, but in general, when in doubt, overshare. If you don’t want everyone to know about it and your parents can’t keep a secret, this may not be the best approach for you. But if they respect your wishes about who to share/not share your journey with, share away!!
If you could give advice to some hopeful grandparents whose children are in the early stages of infertility, what would you say?
“Be there. Pray. Listen. Give hugs when needed. Be supportive in any way you can. I tend to give unsolicited advice. Maybe don’t do that.”
– my Mom
“If I knew then what I know now, I’d say don’t give advice. I wish someone would’ve told me that. Pray!”
– my MIL
I’m so grateful to these two beautiful women for sharing their hearts with us. I hope this helps some hopeful grandparents in the early stages of walking alongside your children during infertility. If you have any questions for them, feel free to leave them in the comments, and I’ll ask them to answer! No guarantees they will do so because they’re both busy ladies, but I’ll ask. 😉
On a semi-related note, both of our Moms could not be more excited to welcome a child to our family via adoption. They are the best moms I know, and I hope when/if we become parents, I can be half the mom they have both been to us. <3