This analysis is based on my limited view of adoption, coming from someone who hasn’t done it before. My aim is not to criticize those who have done these things (We all do the best we can with the information we have at the time!), but to share what I’ve learned about adoption so far.
I’m a big fan of the television show A Million Little Things. Warning if you’ve never seen it: It follows a group of friends after one of their friends commits suicide.
The show does a lot of good in covering various aspects of mental health, the dynamics of complicated relationships, forgiveness, addiction, etc. When an adoption story line was introduced, I had high hopes about how they would portray it.
One of the couples was selected by an expectant mother to be her child’s adoptive parents. The mother was a couple months away from delivery. In that time, they formed a strong relationship with her.
But they also did so many things I wish they hadn’t.
1. They started calling the expectant mother a birth mother before the baby was born and a termination of parental rights was signed.
A woman is not a birth mother before her baby is born and paperwork is signed. She is an expectant mother who is considering placing her baby for adoption. Even if she decided to place her child before giving birth and feels 100% sure of her decision (as this young woman thought she was in the show), she is not a birth mother until paperwork is complete.
2. The hopeful adoptive parents hosted a baby shower for a specific baby prior to the baby’s birth.
While opinions are mixed on when baby showers are appropriate for hopeful adoptive parents, having a baby shower for a specific child prior to the termination of parental rights is setting yourself up for heartache. Do you really want to walk past a room full of baby things you received as gifts for a specific child if the expectant mother decides to parent?
Having a baby shower for your future hypothetical child is fine; it’s hosting an event with a specific child in mind that is questionable. In the show, the expectant mother was even in attendance at the baby shower. Regardless of intent, having a baby shower for a child who isn’t yours can be viewed as coercive.
3. They had their entire friend group in the hospital waiting room.
I understand the desire to have your support system close by and why friends would want to be there for a hopeful adoptive couple in this way. This is one aspect of adoption I’ve really struggled with, knowing our parents won’t be meeting our future child in the hospital like I always imagined. However, the hospital is a sacred place in infant adoption, one that is best reserved for the expectant mother and her entourage.
As *hopeful* adoptive parents, you are a guest in that space. Guests don’t get to invite more guests.
4. They named the baby.
While they were still in the hospital prior to any paperwork, the hopeful adoptive parents named the newborn baby. It seems like common sense, but I’ll say it for the sake of clarity — Naming a baby who is not yours is a huge, coercive overstep.
5. They were total jerks to the mother when she decide to parent instead of place.
After receiving support from a women’s shelter, the expectant mother realized she would be able to get the resources she needed and that she was capable of parenting her child. The hopeful adoptive parents reacted in anger. Though this is no doubt hard for the hopeful adoptive parents, it’s a really good thing when a woman is empowered to parent her own child.
These hopeful adoptive parents loved this mother throughout her pregnancy and cared for her so diligently. When they found out she was keeping her baby, they turned on her. I’ll be interested to see how they manage this relationship in the next episodes, if they reconcile or not. I was so disappointed to see this; I was actually yelling at the television.
Did you watch this episode of A Million Little Things? Anything else stand out to you?