Being childless in a pandemic

Many of my friends who are parents have struggled throughout the pandemic. Trying to juggle distance learning or homeschooling, work, and the shock of parenting 24/7 with zero help from their usual support networks has been really really hard.

Having never been a parent, I don’t think I can comprehend how truly exhausting (and sanctifying) that experience has been, especially when there doesn’t appear to be an “end” in sight.

In conversations with parents, I hear a bit of jealousy of the freedoms that come with being childless in the midst of the world’s chaos. Some have even said as much.

“You’re so lucky; You can do whatever you want!”

There have been times recently I’ve been grateful for the freedom we enjoy without children. Being able to focus on work without lots of interruptions. Spending an entire Saturday reading a good book (me) or playing a new computer game (Mark). Sleeping in on the weekends. Eating on the patio of our favorite brewery. Doing house projects from start to finish in a single day. Praying in complete silence for as long as I want. Not worrying about our children (if we had them) being exposed to COVID. I could go on.

These freedoms are a luxury some childless couples don’t even get to experience, which is why I’m doing my very best to savor every moment of being a family of 3 (gotta count Arwen!) before our schedules are influenced by children. But these freedoms are not something we would ever choose over having children.

I would rather be teaching our kids about God’s infinite love for them. Navigating decisions about whether or not to send them to school or to homeschool. Getting the kitchen extra messy making cookies with a little helper. Pushing a stroller on our walks around the neighborhood with Arwen. Waking up at 3am to comfort a worried toddler during a thunderstorm. Introducing teens to our favorite books and movies. Rocking a baby to sleep in the nursery. Sharing our favorite family traditions as the holiday season approaches. I could go on and on with this list, too.

Even though we are in the midst of a global pandemic and it’s really stressful and maybe even a little scary to be a parent in these uncertain times, being childless does not feel lucky.

It feels like an ache that was once devastating and over time has become dull, but lingers in the background. Some days we struggle to stand up from the weight of it all. Some days it even feels like a sense of peace in our family as it is for now, knowing this is what God is allowing in our lives today.

But being childless never, ever feels lucky.