We tried to conceive for nearly 2 years before contacting our doctors to investigate. I assumed it was only a matter of time before we conceived on our own and if the doctors found anything at all, whatever it was would be easily fixable. We were relatively healthy and in our mid-20’s. What could possibly be wrong?
I’m almost to the point of laughing at how naive I was, but there’s also something sad about my cluelessness. As we crept closer to the 3 year mark, I began to unravel.
I told myself lots of lies about why we weren’t getting pregnant. I cried daily and felt like an epic failure as a wife and especially as a Catholic woman. I spent hours doing research. And how I talked my husband’s ear off about every little what if!
Around this time, research led me to an infertility blog. That blog became my lifeline. It felt like someone finally understood what I was going through! The blogger connected me to an infertility support group on Facebook, which eventually led to a local, face-to-face support group at a neighboring church.
I was reluctant to go because who really wants to talk about all that pain with perfect strangers?! But wow. It was, and honestly continues to be, a huge blessing in my life.
Why, you ask?
1. A Safe Space to Cry & Pray Together
Every time I shared an update in this support group, there were tears. Tears I cried and tears the other women cried with me. I cried about what wasn’t working, about how unfair it all was, even about how hopeful I was.
We shared stories about everything from miscarriages to baby showers to struggling to find joy for our newlywed cousins with honeymoon babies.
But we didn’t pack bags and make plans to stay in the sadness. We also encouraged each other and prayed for God’s will for our families.
2. A Place to Share Details
The nitty gritty about why we are having a hard time conceiving is very personal. As much as I share about our experience here on my blog, that’s something I don’t share much about to protect our privacy.
Especially early on before we told our parents or siblings, my husband was my sole confidant. While that time strengthened our marriage, we aren’t meant to go through hard things in isolation. Yet the details felt too intimate to share with even our closest friends.
The support group gave me a place to shine a light on every detail, in a confidential setting in which all the members were sharing just as much. The details are also very complicated and require some medical knowledge to decipher. The support group ladies had been through it, so they “got it” without a lot of explanation.
3. Get Ideas for Treatments.
Giving unsolicited treatment ideas to people experiencing infertility is a big no. However, listening to the support group ladies share about what worked (or didn’t work) for them, I got so many ideas!
I brought my doctor a long list of tests and eventually switched to a new doctor based on what I was hearing from the rest of the group.
4. Learn Coping Techniques.
Many women I met in this group were further along in their pursuit of a bigger family. They’d been through so much and shared openly about resources, books, prayers, and self-care routines that helped them cope.
I learned planning time for self care amidst all the doctor’s appointments and treatments and disappointments would make all of it more bearable. For a while I was getting a pedicure with each negative pregnancy test. However shallow, it gave me something fun to look forward to with one of my girlfriends in the face of another disappointment. Time for prayer, eating well, getting enough sleep all had to be a priority to get through infertility.
5. Imagine A Future Different Than You Planned.
Several ladies in the group were pursuing adoption or foster care to grow their families. These women opened my eyes to the fact my Plan A might have been conceiving a child, but God’s Plan A might be adoption, foster care, or even childlessness.
Watching these women navigate infertility with grace, love, and open hearts in spite of the pain, helped me in ways I’ll never be able to repay. This particular group no longer meets, but we remain in touch and I’m filled with so much joy each time their families expand!!
If you are going through infertility, please please please seek out an in-person support group. It’s so helpful! If that’s feels too overwhelming, feel free to reach out to me to chat. <3