Every pregnancy is a miracle and children are always a gift from God. Whatever the circumstances surrounding a pregnancy, it is an occasion for great joy.
In my mind, I know this.
In my heart, I feel this.
In my Bible, I read this.
More selfishly, pregnancies are a reminder of my own empty arms.
With each announcement I hold conflicting feelings, the tension of joy for the new life and the pain of our childlessness wrestling in my heart. I’d like to tell you joy usually wins, and praise God, it often does. But there are still times even after nearly 10 years that it hurts more than I can express. I have no way of knowing which way an announcement is going to go.
So I’m just going to come out and say it.
There is no easy, one-size-fits all way to announce a pregnancy to someone in the throes of infertility. There are only ways that allow them the dignity of hearing and processing the news privately so they can regroup and express the very real joy they feel for you the next time you see them in person.
Ways we’ve been told
We have been on the receiving end of more pregnancy announcements than I can count. They have been shared with us….
- minutes before a big party we were hosting in our home
- during a team meeting at work
- in a phone call in advance of an announcement at a family gathering
- in a Facebook message
- paired with well meaning advice for how to get pregnant (My least favorite if you’re keeping track)
- in a text
- in a grocery store parking lot
- at family holiday parties
My favorite announcements
My very favorite way I’ve been told was when a friend shared the news with me via Facebook messenger before she announced it to the world. Who doesn’t like to be among the first to know good news?! It made me feel special and because it was shared electronically, I could digest the news in private and respond when I was ready to do so.
My next favorite way was via a phone call in advance of an announcement at a big family party. Sure, it’s a little more challenging than via text message because you are on the spot to respond, but it spared me the struggle of hearing the news for the first time and putting on a brave face in a room full of people.
I’m not ashamed to admit I have hidden in the garage crying on my husband’s shoulder at a party where someone announced a pregnancy. I still want to come to that party. I just want to hear your news in advance where I have the freedom to react privately.
Telling everyone but your infertile friends
Conversely, it hurts the most when friends don’t tell me until it’s visibly obvious because they don’t know what to say or are worried about hurting my feelings. I want to hear your news and support you!!! Not being told at all makes me feel even more isolated from the mommy club.
I also feel like I’ve developed super human perception in detecting pregnancy in people I know, so half the time I already know. Let’s be honest, the only people who study pregnancy symptoms more than infertile women are doctors. š
Disclaimers
- If you’ve announced your pregnancy to us in the past, don’t stress about how you told us! We’re good. This is not a critique of specific people; it’s just advice to help people better support their friends and family who are going through a hard time.
- You are obviously entitled to announce your pregnancy however you see fit. Your infertile friends are responsible for their own reactions/emotions, not you. Telling them in these more gentle ways is a courtesy, not a duty.
- If your infertile friend bursts into tears when you tell them you are pregnant, that is not about you. Please don’t take it personally or assume they aren’t happy for you. This is why it’s good for both of you to tell them via text/email/not face-to-face. It can hurt just as much when people react with anything but excitement to your pregnancy news!
- What works for me may not work for your other friends. They may hate my advice. The best thing to do if you want to be sensitive to their pain is to ask how they’d want to be told before you have news to share.
All that being said — Some people have hardened their hearts, embracing their pain and growing in bitterness towards those who are blessed with children. We need to pray for those people! No type of announcement will be well received in this case. I’m hoping to write a follow up post in the future sharing tips I’ve learned for how people experiencing infertility can be better at receiving pregnancy announcements. We need to own our responses and manage our emotions!
If you’ve experienced infertility, what were some of the best and worst ways others shared their pregnancy news?